Tag: waco

500 Days of Sober

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I’ve been sober for 500 days, y’all! It feels surreal sometimes. There are moments when I still feel like that 20-something party girl who was dancing on bars and taking body shots off of strangers. I have moments where I ask myself, “Am I really a sober blogger?!?!”. Yes I am! And I fucking love it. While recovery has its ups and downs, I’m grateful for it every single day. These 500 days have been full of happiness, heartbreak, anger, new adventures, and personal growth. Here’s 5 of my recent favorites memories in my first 500 Days of Sobriety:

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7 Lies I Told Myself (So I Could Keep Drinking)

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When I was struggling with admitting the truth about my drinking problem, I spent a lot of time in a magical place called Denial. It was a diverse, overpopulated place filled with delusion, ignorance, and fear. I didn’t just camp out there, I moved in. I paid rent. I unpacked. I decorated. Living years in denial was expensive. Financially. Emotionally. Mentally. And physically. I lied to myself daily. I told myself that I was fine. I told myself that I was happy. The thought of addressing my drinking problem, giving up alcohol, and living a life without booze sounded next to impossible.

I didn’t know anyone who was sober. All I knew about sobriety was what I saw on TV or in movies: someone who’s lost everything and they have to go to AA to rebuild their lives. I told myself that I wasn’t one of “those” people. It was nice to pretend that everything was fine and that I had a healthy relationship with alcohol. That was a big fat lie. Here’s a few other lies I told myself so I could keep drinking…

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When Being a Party Girl Stops Being Cute

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(This article also appeared on Huffington Post.)

The photo above is me passed out in the grass at 3am. I was 27 years old. While I don’t remember anything about the celebrations from that night, I remember telling myself that I “needed to celebrate” being back home after a 3 day weekend in LA. I blacked out completely. I somehow ended up in my front yard. I vaguely remember my roommates picking me up and carrying me to my bed. We laughed about it the next morning. One of my roommates sent me this photo and I posted it on Facebook because being a party girl was, like, soooooo cute. I continued to drink this way for two more years.

Some would argue that being a party girl (or boy) is never cute and I’m sure they have valid reasons for that. I would argue that - in moderation - there’s nothing wrong with having a phase in your life where you have a few too many drinks on the regular, act silly with your friends, and hook up with someone you barely know… as long as you’re safe about it. Yes, you read that correctly. This sober woman supports others getting drunk, safely. My toxic relationship with alcohol has nothing to do with other people’s relationship with alcohol.

My body was clearly giving me signs that the party girl lifestyle wasn’t for me anymore. These are some of the red flags I ignored for years, and wish I hadn’t:

 

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Scare Your Soul - I Survived Wendy’s

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Back in my fitness instructor days, my Instagram account proudly endorsed the #eatclean movement to the point of annoyance. I, like many other fitness professionals, thought that this hashtag would inspire people to make nutritious food choices. While it may have inspired some, I’m finally realizing that using phrases like “eat clean” could be down right insensitive and borderline damaging.

In case you missed my last post, I recently participated in Scare Your Soul, a challenge that encourages you to live outside of your comfort zone for 3 days. On day 1 & 2, I tackled my body image issues. I wanted day 3 to remain on the same body positivity path, but I was stumped as to how to go about it. My roomie / editor, Alisson, suggested that my third and final challenge should be eating processed foods for a day, every meal. I cringed and said “Nope. No way. There’s no way I can do that”. Then I realized that’s exactly what I needed to do. She encouraged me to do this because she thinks I’ve become a pretentious food snob (this is how we talk to each other, we’re very close) who only eats artisanal, organic, hipster foods. She suggested that maybe eating like I used to will remind me where I came from, and get me back in touch with my roots.

Feedback taken.

Challenge accepted. Let’s eat dirty.

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How to be Sober at a Wedding

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I was worried about being sober at a wedding, especially in my hometown where I spent half of my life in a drunken haze. My former self saw weddings as a guaranteed path to intoxication and finding a hook up. Everyone else is going to be hammered, you can be, too! Make sure you get a bottle of Jack Daniels in case the reception is beer and wine only. Oooh…we can pre-game with the whiskey!

While most of my blog posts are written for a general audience, this one is specifically written with people in recovery in mind. Here’s a list of tips for attending a wedding sans booze:

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Addiction to Personal Development

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I have an addictive personality. I don’t just like something…I LOOOOOVE something. And I want everyone to love it, too. I’ve been told that my excitement can come across as pushy, aggressive, and judgmental at times, so I’ve been working on scaling that back a bit. But to be completely honest, I’ve been “working on” a lot. From being more vulnerable to being less judgmental to communicating more clearly to improving my running pace to having a flatter stomach to writing more often to being a better listener to eating less sugar to blah blah blah. You get the idea. It’s f***ing exhausting and I don’t know how to give myself a break. Continue reading “Addiction to Personal Development” →

Ten Years Towards a Bachelor’s Degree

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On this day in 2014, I finally graduated college at the age of 28. I took the scenic route, to say the very least. I lost sight of my destination, so I stopped to explore as many parties, concerts, and intoxicants as I could.

For as long as I can remember, education was something that I always wrestled with. I was fighting some internal demons so learning the Pythagorean Theorem and the Periodic Table of the Elements seemed like a waste of time. I got expelled from high school in my junior year because I passed out in science class due to a dangerous mix of 5 bars of Xanax and copious amounts of weed. The school nurse had to revive me and carry me to her office. She found more drugs in my backpack, hence the expulsion. I had to attend an alternative education program where I finished my GED within months. In a brief moment of sobriety, I took advantage of being able to start college earlier than most of my friends.

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My Reflective Conversation with Mom

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This Mother’s Day, I decided to celebrate it in a unique way: by having my mom interview me. This all started when Mom mentioned that even though she reads my blog, she still has some questions about my issues with alcohol.

I’m an only child and she raised me as a single mom, so we developed a very tight bond. We are more like sisters than mother and daughter. From politics to religion to health to dating to sex, no topic has ever been off limits. She even bought me my first vibrator when I was in high school. She wanted me to know that despite what society projects, there is nothing wrong with female sexuality. She raised me in a progressive household, creating an interesting juxtaposition in a predominantly conservative community of Waco, Texas.

The following conversation took place on a drive from Waco to The Woodlands. We discussed addiction, feminism, homosexuality, Texas conservatives, and much more…

Mom: Do you think you’ll ever drink again?

SobrieTea Party: I would love to be able to have a beer, but one drink could lead me to internally justifying a night of partying with my friends. I don’t want to risk that.

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Back to My Roots

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I went back to my natural hair color. I’ve been searching for beautiful metaphors to create an epic transitional essay. I’ve been trying to read into the fact that we used a clarifier to lift the eccentric colors from my hair, hoping that it represents clarifying other things in my life. This research felt so forced, so inorganic. Maybe I was grasping for meaning in something that defies meaning.

A few weeks ago, I looked in the mirror and for the first time, I saw beyond the rainbow. I saw the level of damage I had done to my hair and I no longer identified with the color.

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The Financial Impact of Having a Drinking Problem

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There are tons of health risks associated with having a drinking problem: cirrhosis of the liver, high blood pressure, cancer, infertility, hurting yourself and others, yada yada yada. Knowing those things never stopped me from destroying my insides one drink at a time, so that’s the last thing I want to talk about right now. What I do want to discuss is how much money I have spent on booze. I made some brutal calculations based on a very low end of my whiskey-soaked spectrum.

On average, I went out for drinks 3 nights a week for 10 years. I would spend about $50 a night.

$50 x 3 nights = $150 per week

$150 x 4 weeks = $600 per month

$600 x 12 months = $7200 per year

$7200 x 10 years = $72,000

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