Tag: sobrietea

Sober in The Big Apple

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In the Fall of 2014, I was living in The Woodlands, Texas and I gave up drinking for three months.  It was relatively simple; I just chose other activities instead of going out.  I soon got bored of sobriety and eventually went back to dating Jack Daniels.

Fast forward to Winter 2015, I’m living in New York City and I’ve committed to giving up booze for a full year.  The first three weeks were great because sobriety was fun and new.   Now, reality has set in and it’s pretty rough.  I’ve been sober for seven weeks and I’m struggling.  I’m struggling pretty damn bad, actually.  Abstaining from alcohol is easy.  I have no problem saying no to a drink or avoiding social gatherings centered around alcohol.  The hard part is a newfound awareness of my true self.  I feel like a teenager going through puberty.  I’m emotional. I’m stressed out.  I’m anxious.  For 15 years, my subconscious sent me to drink and do drugs to suppress these feelings.  Now these emotions are coming to fruition and it’s as if I’m feeling all of them for the first time. Sobriety wasn’t this hard when I did it last Fall in Texas.

It led me to wonder why it’s so much harder to be sober in New York City than it was back home in Texas.  I thought about it for a few days and I came up with these reasons:

Family Support

The first time around, I was living with my aunt in The Woodlands.  I had little stress and lot of family.  My dad and I were reconnecting.  I was finally getting close to my step mother and my Nana.  I knew that my mom and my Gammy in Waco were only a three hour drive away.  Looking back, I now see that love, support, and stability surrounded me in abundance.

While I’ve made some incredible, life changing friendships here, most of the people in my day to day life have only known me for six months.  They met me as a girl with pink hair who moved to New York City to write for Rolling Stone magazine.  In a few months, I’ve changed my hair color and my goals and have come clean about having a drinking problem.  I’m blessed to have landed at lululemon Men’s where I feel like I’ve adopted a group of brothers who look out for me.  And if it wasn’t for my roomie / ride or die / best friend / sister from another mister / saving grace,  Alisson - I have no idea where I would be right now.

City Life vs. Suburban Life

In the suburbs, I drove everywhere.  I would even drive store to store in the same shopping center.  When driving from point A to point B there was little distraction.  It’s hard to see inside of a bar when you’re focused on traffic.

Here, nearly everything I do is on foot.  I’m walking four miles a day and that’s not including my steps at work.  At the end of the day when I’m walking to my train, I pass bar after bar.  Inside, people are laughing and having fun while singing along to songs that I love. They clink their glasses and celebrate whatever brought them out that night.

This.  F***ing.  Sucks.  I just turn up my TED Talk podcast and keep walking.

Social Experiment vs. Personal Growth

My first attempt at sobriety last Fall had no direction.  It was mainly just something to do and proved to be an interesting social experiment.  I even cheated one time.  A friend bought a round of sake bombs for the table and I took one.  I don’t even like sake, or the feeling of guilt that I carried immediately after shooting it.

Now, with some focus and direction, sobriety makes sense for me.  I’m not even tempted to cheat this time.  I’m at a point in my life where I’m cleaning out what i don’t need.  Clarity has shown me that alcohol does nothing for me, except for clouding my sunshine.  This isn’t a social experiment.  This is personal growth.

Losing Control

In addition to being in recovery from drugs and alcohol, I’m also a recovering control freak.  In preparation for moving here, I was trying to plan out my New York City life from my home in Texas. I tried to line up a job transfer at a lululemon in the city.  It didn’t work in line with my plan, so I got frustrated and amicably left my store in The Woodlands.  I also joined rent.com and put $1,000 down on an apartment that turned out to not even exist.

Life in New York City is hard to put into words, but I’ll try.  In 7 months of living here, I’ve learned that I can’t always trust Google Maps, an unbelievable amount of people can fit on a train, and that celebrities are just people, too.  I have also learned that I have zero control over anything.  The only thing I can control is my behavior.

 

 

I love New York even more now because it’s taught me patience - in a way that I could have never learned anywhere else.  It took me moving to the craziest city in the world to realize that I was missing and craving peace.  Without this realization, I may have never taken on this challenge of SobrieTea.

 

Manifest & Chill: Advice from Gabby Bernstein Part 1

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I’m currently in the process of a spiritual cleansing. I’m removing things from my plate that no longer satisfy my appetite. This unintentional cleanse started on December 1st when my body, tired of waiting on permission from my mind, decided I needed to stop drinking. It showed up again last week when I realized music journalism was a hobby, not a passion. Now it’s encouraging me to be present to the moment instead of maniacally manifesting the next.

If you’ve met me, you know I’m obsessed with passionate about goal setting. I’ve probably asked you about what goals you’re currently working towards, if you’ve made a vision board, and how I can help.

My fascination with goals started about a year and a half ago when I moved from Waco to The Woodlands (North Houston), and began working for lululemon. I was finally surrounded by other people talking about clean eating, yoga, and meditation. Growing up in a small town in Texas, the word “meditation” was taboo, so I didn’t tell many people that I was doing it.

Working for lululemon taught me the art of goal setting. My manager asked me to visualize my life ten years in the future, then break this vision down into steps in order to achieve it. This concept was a huge turn off for me. I found it overwhelming, intimidating, and pointless. I finally played along and wrote out my goals for one year, five years, and ten years. As I started accomplishing some of the goals I had set, I realized there was something to this whole “writing it down” thing. It. Was. On. I began to preach the gospel of goal setting. I’d ask everyone about their goals while stressing the importance of writing them down. I am was pretty annoying about it…sorry y’all.

Another life changing philosophy I learned at lululemon was the concept of living in possibility. This means living your life as if your wildest dreams are already coming true. Removing destructive thoughts can create the space for opportunity to come your way. This very idea was all that I needed to buy a one way ticket to New York City. I had no idea what was going to happen once I landed, but I believed in myself, my writing, and in possibility.

Shortly after moving here, I became the music editor for NY Yoga + Life Magazine. My interview series, Rock Star Goals, will appear in their upcoming spring issue. Writing for this magazine allows me to attend spiritual events and yoga classes all over Manhattan. This week, I was lucky enough to attend a talk about the Power of Hope, led by Gabrielle Bernstein.

Gabby’s talk was about how, at one point, she was a “manic manifester”, meaning she would go crazy over visualizing, vision boards, and controlling every aspect of how she could get to her next goal. (Sound familiar?) She stressed an important part of the goal setting process: trusting yourself and letting it go. She even told someone in the audience to - gasp! - burn her vision board because she was obsessing over it. She told us simply, “Manifest and Chill”. If you want to see a few minutes of her talk, click here.

I, too, am a Manic Manifester. I’m so focused on creating, visualizing, and planning what’s next that I forget to experience what’s going on right now. The last time I manifested and let it go was when I moved here. I trusted myself and New York and it worked out beautifully.

There are times when I sit down on a Sunday night to reflect on the past week and I can’t remember a single thing that I ate, attended, or wore because I’m constantly working on my next step. I finally took a step back and realized that I’m involved in too many things and I’m doing them all half-assed. I have countless works in progress because I can’t focus on finishing one . It’s exhausting. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. Financially. I’m so tired. Hence, my need for a spiritual cleansing.

If I was still drinking, I probably would have dismissed the powerful message of “Manifest and Chill”. My mind is sobering up and I’m finally thinking clearly. I left Gabby’s talk feeling empowered to be the best me that I can be….right now. I will continue to make vision boards and set goals, but I will no longer allow my future to get in the way of my present.

 

My Life as a Waco Bartender

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When I was 17 years old, I was expelled from high school for nearly overdosing in class and having Xanax in my bag. I was sent to an alternative education program where I cleaned up my act and received my GED. Shortly after, I got a job as a hostess at Slo-Poke’s BBQ Sports Bar near Baylor. I thought getting a job would be beneficial for me to start over and meet new people. I made a commitment to myself and to my mom that I would stay clean. No more weed and no more pills. I had no idea how formative that job would be; it was the beginning of an unhealthy love affair with a dark scene in Waco, Texas.

As I transitioned from hostess to waitress, I learned the cliques. The Good Kids were the Baylor students who works a few shifts a week and were only in Waco for school. They would go out occasionally, but nothing was more important than their school work. Then there were the Bad Kids. This clique’s mission statement was “Let’s Party!”. A lot of them were Waco natives who worked almost everyday and partied damn near every night. They also made fun of the Good Kids for leaving the bar early.

Needless to say, I quickly identified as a Bad Kid. We would take shots, drink beer, listen to music, and gossip about our managers. “Let’s get hammered” or “let’s black out tonight” were common phrases we threw around. We were SO COOL. I found that confidence and flirtation came easily with a drink in my hand. Before 18, I was partying in clubs, smoking cigarettes, and hooking up with guys. People wanted to be around me. I had tons of drinking buddies friends. I was finally achieving the popularity I was craving in high school.

A few months later, two co-workers needed a roommate. In my clouded mind, moving in with them “just made sense”. Finally being free from the reigns of living at home with mom, I had unlimited opportunities to make poor decisions. I was leaving work with $100 every night and I spent it as fast as I earned it. I ignored all responsibilities because life was a series of parties.

Before I knew it, my calendar was filled with excuses to get drunk: concerts, birthdays, traveling, bad days, good days, you name it - I was there and I was ready to party. At the time, I honestly didn’t think that I was doing anything wrong. I began to reintegrate smoking pot regularly, but I rationalized it since I still wasn’t taking pills. Denial taught me how to surrounded myself with people who lived the same lifestyle so I could justify my behavior.

I eventually became a bartender, spending a decade working in the Waco bar scene. I hopped from Slo-Poke’s BBQ Sports Bar to Cricket’s Grill & Drafthouse to Treff’s Bar & Grill to Diamondback’s Steakhouse to George’s Restaurant & Bar. I left each bar thinking the next one would have a better scene. The scenes didn’t changed and neither did I.

In this line of work, I worked with people from all walks of life. College kids who fell in love with a local Wacoan and stayed. People who got “real” jobs, but went back to bartending on the weekends because they realized that bartending is half the work for twice the money. Entrepreneurs who capitalized on this work environment to learn more about business. And those who turned bartending into a lifestyle and a career. All of those people were me, until I hung up my bar tool at age 28.

While I left the bartending lifestyle behind, I established a consistent presence on the other side of the bar. I loved the scene; the smoke, the music, the people, the smell - it all felt like home to me. After moving to New York, I began to find comfort in other environments. I noticed that book readings, coffee dates, and yoga classes were on my calendar in the spaces where I used to plan my excuses to drink.

Looking back, my experience with alcohol was never healthy. I grew up knowing that my grandfather drank himself to death and my father (now 10 years sober) looked to alcohol to self-medicate his depression. For some people, that family history would steer them away from booze for good. For me, I had the classic case of “it could never happen to me”.

It did happen to me.

 

 

Pain, Shame, & Embarrassment

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While digging through old Facebook photos from my party girl days, uncomfortable feelings arise. Pain, shame, and embarrassment grip me with the intensity that I used to grip a bottle of Jack Daniels.

The pain is triggering real emotion; emotion that I’m just now learning how to feel. This clarity is uncomfortable, filling my head with questions. Do I need rehab? Do I need therapy? Did he ever like me or were we just a hook up? Will I ever find a healthy relationship with alcohol or do I have to be sober forever? Do I really have a drinking problem or did I just love getting drunk? Yes, I’m still trying to convince myself that I will one day be able to drink again.

The shame inspires me to stay sober and keep writing. Half of me wishes that I could go back and shake some sense into the younger version of me. The other half is grateful for going through it all and getting out alive.

The embarrassment makes me want to hide.

The recurring smile in these photos now mocks me. I look past my delusional happiness and see the glassy eyes, the sloppy make up, and the drinking buddies that I confused for friends. I see darkness - not just in the poorly lit bar, but in the soul of a girl desperately searching for truth. I was “happy” because I found pleasure while living in a self-made bubble of ignorance.

While researching addictive behavior, I’ve learned that the emotional and mental growth of an addict stops when they first begin using. So basically, I’m a 30 year old woman in New York City with the emotional maturity of a 15 year girl in Waco, Texas. I am now being properly introduced to the girl that I was and to the woman that I’m becoming.

 

Visualizing 2016

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New Year’s Eve was always one of my favorite holidays because getting hammered is encouraged. It was an excuse to dress up and throw down. People who didn’t celebrate the same way I did were “boring” and I avoided them at all costs.

As of today, January 1st, I have officially been sober for one month. Perhaps a month of clarity guided me towards a clean way to ring in the new year: creating a vision board.

When I told people what I was doing for New Year’s Eve, I got a lot of questions. I took these questions and put together a guide to show you what a vision board is and how you can make one, too. It’s not too late to create your own vision board for 2016!

Question: “What is a vision board?”

Think Pinterest - You already have boards with photos of your dream wedding and food you plan to cook. A physical vision board takes it to the next level. I’m living proof that there’s magic in the hand-to-paper method of creating. Much of my 2015 vision board came to life in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I had photos of travel, musicians, and movement. I ended up traveling Europe, meeting two of those musicians (Slash and Lindsey Buckingham), and moving to New York City - all within the first 6 months!

Question: “Why would I want to make a vision board?”

You know those thoughts that you have in your head? “One day, I’ll travel to Europe”,”One day, I’ll make fitness a priority”,”One day, I’ll quit my job and start my own business”,”One day I’ll write a book”. Choose one or two of those thoughts and really hone in on them. Visualize them. Find photos and words that bring them to life. This is step one of turning “one day” in “this year”.

Question: “What supplies do I need?”

  • Poster Board
  • Magazines
  • Scissors
  • Glue Stick

Optional:

  • Coffee
  • Snacks
  • NetFlix
  • Scrapbook Paper (If you’re feeling fancy)
  • Cat

 

Question: “How do I get started?”

1. Don’t Think….Just Cut!

Clip the photos and words that inspire you - even if you don’t know why they inspire you. I chose phrases from ads, words from articles, photos of artists, and images of tea.

2. Identify a Focal Point

What is one goal/New Years Resolution/habit you want to break more than anything else this year? Choose that and place it in the center of your board. My focal point is SobrieTea and sober.

3. If You Can’t Find it….Create it

Looking through magazines like People and Rolling Stone, I didn’t find every word I needed, so I created them by cutting out random letters and placing them together to spell what I want.

4. Frame Your Focal Point

Think of a photo that is professionally framed. The framer strategically created the frame to support the beauty of the photo, not distract from it. Apply this thought to your vision board. You want your frame to support your focal point. Literally, how can your “frame” help you get to your main goal? My frame includes yoga, motivational quotes, and musicians I look up to. A regular yoga practice helps me stay balanced and focused. Motivational quotes keep me inspired. Musicians like Jack White and Bob Dylan inspire me to create.

5. Have Fun

While creating a vision board is a powerful tool in manifesting your dreams, don’t take it (or yourself!) too seriously. Among words like “sober” and “spend a little, say a lot,” my board also has a photo of a giant cookie in the bottom right hand corner reminding me to indulge. I also included a photo of Andy Samberg, reminding me to laugh. This exercise is supposed to be fun - not stressful.

Question: “What do I do with my vision board?”

Put this board somewhere visible so it can inspire you daily. Hang it on the wall. Take a photo of it and make it your wallpaper on your phone Post a photo of it on Instagram. Text the photo to people that you know will keep you accountable and support your goals.

Now it’s your turn! I want to see your vision board - Even if it’s just a sticky note with your vision hand-written in the center. Facebook, Instagram, or Tweet me a photo and tag me @SobrieTeaParty.