Month: July 2016

The Night I Was Roofied

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It was the summer of 2009. I was 24, living with my at-the-time boyfriend and bartending full time at a fine dining restaurant in Waco, Texas. I was in my own delusional drunken world, unaware of anything that was going on around me - unless it directly affected me.

That July, a group of seven sort-of friends met in Houston, Texas to celebrate their mutual friend’s Bachelorette party. Each of us rocked heels, dresses, and clutches as we frantically texted from our Blackberries. After a sushi dinner with lychee martinis, we got into a limo and sipped champagne. The maid of honor gave each of us a pink, zebra-print mask with a sassy adjective. I screamed and begged for the one that said “Wild”. I got it.

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Contributor Piece: Living with Trichotillomania by Becca Jade

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There’s so much more to recover from than just substance abuse. Previously, Rose Lockinger has contributed personal essays about bulimia. Now, Becca Jade shares her story on recovering from trichotillomania:

 

Trichotillomania is an impulse control disorder characterized by the compulsive urge to pull out one’s hair. This leads to hair loss, balding, distress, and social or functional impairment. People with this disorder know that they can do damage by acting on the impulses, but they cannot stop themselves. I strongly believe that in life, we are often faced with challenges that we can handle. At times, we might bend, but we will not break.

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How Did You Just Quit Drinking?!?

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Last week, on my daily stroll through Washington Square Park, I had an honest conversation via text with one of my clients.  The sun was shining as we discussed dark times.  Eager for help, she asked me several questions about sobriety.  Her questions turned into an accidental interview and she helped me come to terms with some things I didn’t even know about myself.  She agreed to let me share our convo as long as she remains anonymous. Let’s call her….Amanda…

Amanda: How did you just quit drinking?  I always get to this point, where I feel so bad and so guilty.  I’ll swear I want to make a change and give up alcohol, then never actually follow through. I’m so sick of my behavior, but I don’t know how to change it and actually stick to it. 

Me:  After years of “trying on sobriety“, making mistakes, hurting myself and others, I realized that living a party girl lifestyle wasn’t cute anymore.  I woke up on Monday, November 30th, 2015 with a terrible headache.  I was hungover.  Again.  I told myself that I’m going to go one week without booze to see how I feel.  Then I told my roommate.  Then I told my coworkers.  Then I told the people I was drinking with the night before.  I asked all of these people to help keep me accountable and to please refrain from inviting me out for drinks.  That week turned into two weeks.  Those two weeks turned into a month.  As of today, I’m happy to say that I’m 7 months sober.

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Contributor Piece: Blackouts & Bourbon by Rich Binning

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I don’t remember my last drink, but I think it was bourbon.

I was proud of the alcohol tolerance I’d built up through the beer soaked college years and continued to build through my mid to late twenties. I eventually graduated to manhattans and martinis. Or maybe I should say, “Graduated to manhattans and martinis when I was out on the town and also accompanied by cheap vodka hid in water bottles to assist with sleep, stage fright, social anxiety and increasing general drunkenness while on a budget”. I bragged about my high tolerance in the company of friends and they enjoyed trying to keep up with me.

The final night I drank, I was in mixed company and I was hyper-aware of how I did not want to be perceived. Ya know…like an alcoholic. I always counted the number of drinks everyone else had and was careful to have them think I drank the same amount. This often lead to me pre-gaming at my apartment before going out, sneaking to the bar and ordering quick shots for myself while out, and night caps once returning home.

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Contributor Piece: Eating Disorders and Addiction by Rose Lockinger

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I never knew that my road towards bulimia would end in a treatment center for substance use. Addiction in any form is a dangerous beast that will consume every aspect of your mind, body, and soul. If you’re lucky, you’ll survive. The first time I threw up, I was 14. I had no idea how to cope with the emotional pain of trauma; I was simply trying to survive. Bulimia was my coping tool.

When I started purging, I was doing it once a day. I became obsessed with my weight, with calories, with my body. Purging drowned out all the emotional pain I was feeling. Within a year, my disease took over my whole world. I was throwing up 15 times a day and my body was starting to feel the effects. My throat burned, my stomach hurt all the time, and my heart would race uncontrollably. I was exhausted. My muscles ached when I had to climb stairs, yet I made myself run 3 miles everyday. I was completely consumed in my disease. Every waking hour was wrapped up in planning my next binge and purge. Where was I getting the money? Which drive thru was I going to hit? What was I going to order? Where was I going to throw up?

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