Back in my party girl days (years), I went to a few concerts. Dozens. 100+ actually. I loved getting drunk and singing along with my favorite musicians. I’d think to myself “OMG! Mick Jagger is like…right there!” Or when I was stoned I’d think “Man…I’m breathing the same air as Dylan”. While my passion has always been rock n roll, my taste in live music has ranged from Hanson to Britney Spears to No Doubt to Pat Green to Velvet Revolver to Lady Gaga to Snoop Dogg. One time I found myself barefoot in the mosh pit of a Limp Bizkit concert during “Break Stuff”. I eventually got elbowed in the face and decided to go back to head-banging in the comfort of my friends. And beer.
There was something about being around live music that made me feel alive. And by “alive” I mean “intoxicated”. I’d drink before, during, and after each concert. Since the lines for drinks were so long I’d often order two beers at once, proudly “double fisting”. Depending on what artist I was seeing I’d throw weed or coke in the mix, too. I’d get so drunk/high that I could barely remember the actual shows. I’d forget the songs they played, the people I met, and how I got home. Apparently “feeling alive” meant feeling nothing at all.
To live a sober life I had to change certain aspects of my lifestyle. Throughout all of these positive changes, something felt like it was missing. Drinking tea and reading books and laying low and avoiding bars was nice, but I wanted to feel the way I felt when I was at a concert. Ya know..that “aliveness”. That rush of live entertainment. Then I found Broadway.
My first Broadway experience was three months into recovery. I saw Misery in the Winter of 2015. I tried to suppress my starstruck groupie instincts, but it was tough. OMG! Laurie Metcalf and Bruce Willis are like….right there! I absolutely loved it.
Many of the things I loved about concerts (live entertainment, flashy performances, elaborate costumes, sharing a room with famous people) were available to me in a brand new way. Shortly after Misery, I saw Blackbird. OMG! Michelle Williams! Then Fully Committed. OMG! Jesse Tyler Ferguson! I found my new, safe addiction: live theater.
After seeing a few plays, I was ready to see a musical. OK, I’m lying. I was actually scared to see a musical (Yes, I’m serious). Even though I loved The Sound of Music, Grease, and Across the Universe, I didn’t think I was smart enough to follow a live storyline that randomly broke out into song. Insecurities are sooooo fun. I eventually got over myself and challenged that voice in my head telling me I was stupid.
For my birthday a few months ago, my aunt took me to see Wicked. I was excited to pop my musical cherry while simultaneously seeing my buddy/former co-worker Michael playing Fiyero, the male lead. After the show, he gave us a tour backstage. A few weeks later, I saw The Color Purple. Then Kinky Boots. Then School of Rock. And this week I saw Sunday in the Park with George. OMG! Jake Gyllenhaal!
I still go to concerts, just not as much as I used to. It’s hard for me to be in that setting and not feel tempted to drink alcohol. I find attending Broadway shows to be safe and relatively trigger-free because it’s a new activity I embraced in my recovery. I don’t have memories of being wasted at a Broadway show; I’ve only known it sober. Nobody’s shoving one another to get a better view. Beer isn’t spilled on my shoes. Joints aren’t being passed through the audience. At concerts, I’d bond with my friends over shots and beers and screaming the words to songs we loved. At a Broadway show, I bond with friends in silent appreciation of live theater.
The magic created on Broadway has opened my eyes to a world I knew nothing about. Growing up in a small Texas town, theater wasn’t discussed too often. I was in choir in 5th grade and I loved it. Then I learned it wasn’t “cool”, so I didn’t pursue it the following year. Kids at school made fun of anyone who was in theater, choir, or band. So instead of doing what made me happy, I joined the bullies. I just wanted to be part of something.
It bugs me that my relationship with alcohol has somewhat ruined my relationship with live music, but it is what it is. Sobriety has taught me that it’s OK to be less Sex, Drugs, Rock n Roll and more School of Rock. And that f*&%ing rocks.
