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three. years. sober.

My last drink was on November 29th, 2015. It was a pint of delicious Paulaner Hefeweizen from the historical Fanelli‘s pub in SoHo. I drank this pint with two dear friends and their pints, after work. Our four-hour conversation shifted from New York City madness to what we want to be when we grow up to complaining about annoying customers and their demands of high-end yoga pants. I whined about not having enough time to write - the reason I moved to New York City. As we bonded over more pints, time seemed to stand still - until it didn’t. Our plan was to have one beer. Four hours later I was enjoying a beer buzz that can only be achieved from several beers as I navigated towards the PATH train.

I think of this day often. Sometimes I wish my last drinking episode consisted of more booze and more drama so I could have gone out with a bang. A few beers over four hours was tame for me. It’s not the story you see on TV or in movies where a person loses everything, has a dangerously low rock bottom, and then they decide to quit drinking. I’ve grown to appreciate what us sober folks call a “high bottom”. It’s important to share these stories, too. I’m thankful that I didn’t have to lose everything to wake up and see that alcohol was a significant roadblock - a roadblock that I kept putting in my own way - for more than a decade.

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19th Nervous Breakdown

I’ve always sung along to The Rolling Stones 1966 hit, “19th Nervous Breakdown“, because it’s a catchy song. These last few weeks I’ve learned to appreciate the lyrics on a personal level. Especially the chorus:

“You better stop, look around
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes
Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown”

I was forced to stop and look around because it finally happened. I had a nervous breakdown. I say finally because I knew it was coming but I ignored the warning signs for months:

Tight chest

Difficulty breathing

Exhaustion due to being overworked

Several smaller meltdowns

Extreme anxiety

Weight loss

Burn out

I kept telling myself to push through because that’s what a successful writer and entrepreneur should do. THIS IS WHAT SUCCESS LOOKS LIKE, RIGHT?!? Wrong. I don’t want my version of success to sacrifice taking a breath.

So I surrendered. I finally stopped denying my pending breakdown and let it wash over me. I released the tears I’ve been holding in for way too long. I curled up in my bed and sobbed, not because I’m weak. Because I’m strong.

The photo I used for this blog post accurately depicts how I felt: blurry, imperfect and full of rage because my suppressed emotions were pouring out of me.

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How I (Finally) Knew I Had a Drinking Problem

This is one of the most common questions that I’m asked. Looking back, I’d say that I knew I had a drinking problem when I started questioning my relationship with alcohol. The years leading up to the day when I quit drinking were filled with sporadic breaks from booze…just to prove to myself that “I didn’t have a problem”. Those years were also filled with Googling questions like, “Am I an alcoholic? Do I have a drinking problem? Should I quit drinking?”. I did a series of mental gymnastics in an attempt to convince myself that since I didn’t NEED alcohol every day, I was fine. I looked at how the media and Hollywood discuss addiction. I didn’t relate to any of those stories, so again, I was fine.

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A Writer, With a Blog

I’ve taken a step back to observe how two years of blogging has resulted in me finding my voice as a writer while simultaneously distracting me from writing. Listicles, branding, image, oh my!

At age 14 I wrote articles about progressive topics for my local newspaper, loving the fact that my voice was being heard. Even if it pissed people off. In high school I studied broadcast journalism, loving the prep work and screen time of being on the morning announcements. In my early twenties I “interned” (hung out unpaid) for a radio station, loving the platform to talk about music and current events with interesting people. I’m currently the music editor for NY Yoga & Life Magazine. I love chatting with musicians about their yoga practice, yogis about their playlists, and any other way the two worlds can intersect. I took a similar approach to sobriety: journalistic and explorative.

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Sober, Silent, and Sequestered in Bali

I recently spent a month in Bali with my dear friend, Cam. We explored Ubud for a week, reconnecting over delicious/cheap AF Indonesian cuisine, countless rounds of kill/bang/marry, and hours of intellectually stimulating conversation. The next 3 weeks were spent sequestered with 30+ people from all over the world (Australia, Thailand, Japan, Singapore, The UK, Lithuania, Switzerland, Germany, Canada, Sweden, Holland, and Norway) at Zuna Yoga‘s 200 hour yoga teacher training. In addition to learning how to teach yoga, I also learned about these beautiful humans and their cultures.

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Living with Agitated Depression

The last two and a half years have been an emotional roller coaster. I moved to New York City, got sober, lost both of my grandmothers, and my mother was sick. I spent much of that time in denial about my depression. I subconsciously chose to stay busy in order to avoid processing the emotions that came along with those big life changes. I lived in “go mode”. Often prioritizing others’ needs. The more time I spent helping others, the less time I had to deal with my own emotions. While there’s nothing wrong with helping people, there’s something wrong with why I was so eager to help.

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Sex, Stigmas, and Sobriety on The 405

“Addiction is one of the most common experiences people will face, yet is still one of the taboo things to be discussed openly. Thank fuck for writer Tawny Lara, who speaks with an infectious candour that’d make Keith Richards blush. Lara contributes to the Huffington Post and is the founder of SobrieTea Party. Throughout her writing, Lara muses about her experiences regarding alcoholism, dating, anxiety, therapy, and more.

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We Made a Documentary!

**UPDATE: Our film was accepted in the New Jersey Recovery Film Festival! It will be screened Saturday, June 2nd.**

 

My friend, B. Rae, and I made a documentary about recovery! I want you all to know that B. Rae did 99% of this work. This film would not have been possible without her vision, dedication, and commitment to this project.

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Fuck New Year’s Resolutions

Fuck new year’s resolutions. Yes I said it. This is the time of year when people often set audacious goals and “commit” to changing a significant part of their lifestyle. That’s cool and all, but I’ve rarely followed through with resolutions in the past. Then I’d beat myself up for not following through while dealing with even more feelings of guilt and shame and not enough-ness.

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Workit Health: A Modern Approach to Recovery

*This blog post was sponsored by Workit Health. All of these opinions are my own. Please note that I am not a licensed medical professional nor addiction specialist. If you’re interested in trying Workit Health, you can use the discount code workitrocks for 25% off.*


The recovery world has evolved quite a bit over the last few years. Society has accepted that if someone has a drinking problem they must admit to being an alcoholic and begin working the 12 Steps in an AA meeting. Or check into rehab. That school of thought wasn’t inviting to someone like me: a young party girl with a social binge drinking problem. I went to one AA meeting. It wasn’t for me. I was lucky enough to find sobriety through yoga, writing, therapy, and supportive loved ones. If I had found Workit Health when I was in early sobriety, it would have made my transition into sober life quite a bit easier.