19th Nervous Breakdown

I’ve always sung along to The Rolling Stones 1966 hit, “19th Nervous Breakdown“, because it’s a catchy song. These last few weeks I’ve learned to appreciate the lyrics on a personal level. Especially the chorus:

“You better stop, look around
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes
Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown”

I was forced to stop and look around because it finally happened. I had a nervous breakdown. I say finally because I knew it was coming but I ignored the warning signs for months:

Tight chest

Difficulty breathing

Exhaustion due to being overworked

Several smaller meltdowns

Extreme anxiety

Weight loss

Burn out

I kept telling myself to push through because that’s what a successful writer and entrepreneur should do. THIS IS WHAT SUCCESS LOOKS LIKE, RIGHT?!? Wrong. I don’t want my version of success to sacrifice taking a breath.

So I surrendered. I finally stopped denying my pending breakdown and let it wash over me. I released the tears I’ve been holding in for way too long. I curled up in my bed and sobbed, not because I’m weak. Because I’m strong.

The photo I used for this blog post accurately depicts how I felt: blurry, imperfect and full of rage because my suppressed emotions were pouring out of me.

I’ve blurred the lines between life and work - and not in an upbeat yet offensive Robin Thicke feat. Pharrell kind of way. I don’t know where SobrieTea Party ends and where Tawny begins. So I took a step back to re-evaluate. Something was wrong and I couldn’t hide from it anymore.

I so badly wish that this breakdown was solely work-related. Once I allowed myself to feel the emotional overwhelm of work, I was able to access other emotions that I’d been suppressing. The impetus was actually heartbreak. It’s hard for me to admit that. I hate having emotions and feeling vulnerable. I often pretend that I’m an emotionless robot because it’s easier to be a machine who’s constantly producing content for others than to tap into what I’m feeling: lonely. Not just in love, but in life. Being a writer and an entrepreneur means I’m alone…a lot. I miss co-workers. I miss my family. I want a partner.

These are the times when sobriety truly sucks, y’all. I’d give anything to go back to my naïveté, thinking that chugging Jack Daniels or getting stoned would make my pain go away. But I’ve learned that those behaviors are just band-aids. Here’s how I survived the last few weeks:

I Deleted Instagram…ish

Labor Day weekend, I did the unthinkable: I deleted the Instagram app from my phone - and I lived to talk about it. I went nearly three weeks without posting, scrolling, liking, or stalking. OK…I found other ways to stalk, but you get the idea. There are already plenty of “I went X amount of time without Instagram and here’s what I learned” articles that accurately describe the benefit of unplugging for a bit, so I won’t say much more. Now when I need to post something, I download the app, make the post, then delete the app. As an addict, I struggle with moderation. There are too many times when I’m mindlessly scrolling through Instagram and literal hours have passed. Before I know it I’m years-deep into Sarah Michelle Gellar’s Instagram and feeling sad that I haven’t found my Freddie Prinze Jr. yet. My newfound “delete the app after posting” method is working…for now.

I Pushed Back Readings on Recovery

I and the rest of the SobrieTeam have been working hard on preparing a Readings on Recovery for the fall. Given my newfound ability to feel emotions (YAY!), I was able to sense the overwhelming amount of anxiety that planning this huge production gave me. My initial reaction was to destroy the years of work I’d put into this blog and hosting NYC sober events. Self-destruction gives me a sense of control when I feel completely out of control. I still struggle with this - even in sobriety. So I chatted with Jackie, our events manager, and she brought me back down to earth. We decided to do something wayyyyy more chill and intimate. This fall we will be hosting two SobrieTea Party Parties instead of a Readings on Recovery. These *free* events will create the space for the sober/recovery community and allies to mingle with like-minded folks while sipping tea and playing games. Our goal in these events is simply for people to leave making at least one new friend. If you’re in the NYC area, please join us at HUB Seventeen (17th & 5th) on the following dates: Oct 21st 3-5pm & Nov 28th 6-8pm.

I Attended Support Groups

Road Recovery has been a significant part of my recovery. They provide a safe space to hang out with cool people in a peer-support group setting, then we channel everything we talked about into making music or something else creative. Most of my sobriety-related support has been online, but this year, with Road Recovery, I’ve embraced the power of in-person support groups. I’ve recently begun attending AA meetings as well. I still struggle with a lot of AA-related rhetoric, but I choose to take what I like (support group with like-minded folks) and leave the rest (strict rules that often try to lump everyone into one box).

I Talked to My Therapist

I’m blessed to have quality health insurance that makes therapy affordable. At my lowest, I was looking to check into a mental health treatment program. I was spiraling. I felt so out of control, convinced I was losing my mind. My therapist reassured me that I’m not, in fact, losing my mind. “This is what feelings feel like and you’ve been repressing them so you’re feeling a lot“, she said. She also told me that unless I’m planning to drink again or hurt myself or someone else, I most likely don’t need to be admitted. But to do so if I feel the need.

I Went Home

My original plan was to spend a week at an ashram in Virginia to reconnect with myself and spirituality but plans changed due to Hurricane Florence. I’m grateful to have a loving family in Texas that welcomes me home anytime. I laid low with them for a week. We cooked, watched movies and TV, talked, and laughed. I believe this is what I needed more than being sequestered away at an ashram. Time with my family keeps me connected to my roots and myself.

As much as this breakdown SUCKED, I know I had to go through it. I was on a manic high for the last few months followed by a deep depression. I finally feel grounded, stable, sane, balanced. This breakdown wasn’t good or bad; it just was. It scares the hell out of me that I can be so disconnected from my emotions. To prevent this from happening again I’m going to continue to do my best to let myself feel, to access my list of resources, to recognize the warning signs that my body gives me, to prioritize downtime, to remember that NO is a full sentence, and most importantly - to have fun.

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Photo Credit: Diego Lopez edited by Guy Mandia

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Fall Announcements:

• My podcast with Lisa Smith, Recovery Rocks, launches in October!
• Join the SobrieTea Party fam for TWO events this fall: