I’ve always enjoyed testing boundaries, especially when drinking: Drunk driving. Unprotected sex. Sleeping with my friends’ ex boyfriends and my ex boyfriends’ friends. Any drug that crossed my path, I tried it. Anyone who said they could drink me under the table often ended up underneath said table. Since I’ve given up that destructive lifestyle, I’ve found new ways to be adventurous. While I’ve recently done activities like naked yoga and orgasmic meditation, there are still many things that intimidate me and make me feel uncomfortable. Maybe I should say that there are a few things that, um, scare my soul.
Two weeks ago, I completed the Scare Your Soul challenge. Each day, I did one thing that got me out of my comfort zone…for three days. On day 1 & 2, I tackled my body image issues. Here’s how it went:
Day 1 – I Woke Up Like This
This is me, y’all. This photo was taken about an hour after I woke up, while I was still laying in bed. I had a cold and I felt like shit. My hair was everywhere. I didn’t wash off my eye makeup from the night before, so I had dark circles under my eyes. I had zits…lots of them.
In most of the photos I post, I’m smiling, wearing makeup, posing, and have removed all blemishes with my Aviary app. The thought of posting a selfie without doing any of those things definitely scared my soul. I’m insecure. I want to be perceived as “perfect”. I don’t want anyone to know that I’m a real-life human with flaws, so my Instagram usually has pics of me working out, writing, or drinking smoothies.
But, sometimes I lay in bed for hours and accomplish nothing. This is me admitting that I’m an imperfect human. #nofilter
Day 2 – Perfectly Imperfect Stomach
I seriously dreaded this one. I have self-diagnosed body dysmorphic disorder. This disorder often tells me that my stomach is disgusting because it doesn’t look like the photo shopped pics in magazines and on Instagram. While some may look at this pic and see a fit body, I see love handles and a belly pooch.
Sometimes I think that if my stomach is exposed, people will be grossed out by me. Challenges like this remind me that my body is beautiful just the way that it is. People are going to think what they want and I can’t change their minds. The only thing I can change is how I perceive myself. I choose to perceive myself with love and acceptance.
I try not to compare myself to others, but it’s hard. Really freaking hard. I’m working towards accepting where I am today, because if I don’t – I’ll never be happy with where I am tomorrow.
Mid-Scare Wrap Up
The first time I did Scare Your Soul was last summer. One of my challenges was to go a day without make-up. I felt so empowered that I ended up going make-up free for the whole 3 days. That challenge single handedly helped me embrace my natural beauty. Posting a pic this year was just icing on my body positivity cake!
Eight months without alcohol has forced me to come to terms with many suppressed issues: painful childhood memories, food obsession, body dysmorphia, anxiety, depression, delusion….just to name a few. Drinking helped me mask my insecurities. As long as I drank, I was able to pretend that everything was fine.
Living in New York City and embracing feminism has helped me understand the whole Body Positivity Movement. It’s not my job to be perfect. It’s not my job to look a certain way…ever. It’s my job to sell yoga pants and write about recovery. That’s it. Anything else I do is just extra.
On my third and final day of Scare Your Soul, I pushed my food snobbery to the side and ate a bunch of foods I don’t normally eat…and I didn’t die! Stay tuned…