Break Stuff: The Angry Side of Sobriety

 

Its just one of those days
Where you don’t want to wake up
Everything is fucked
Everybody sucks
You don’t really know why
But you want to justify
Rippin’ someone’s head off

 

All of the little things that can go wrong on a Monday have gone wrong.  That frustration has been tossed into a blender along with my weekly existential crisis, PMS, and being caught in rain with no umbrella on the packed streets of Chelsea.  Strangers keep bumping into me while I hustle through 6th Ave. My headphones are blaring Limp Bizkit’s “Break Stuff”, my go-to song when I’m filled with rage and feel like I’m going to explode.  I wish I had the balls to cry in public like other people do. Of all days to forget my sunglasses at home…I could totally go for a cry behind my Ray Bans right about now.

I sneak into a deli to get away from the Manhattan madness so I can kill time until class starts.  I walk by the wine.  When I drank, wine was rarely my first choice. But today, it’s problem-solving powers seem so appealing to me.  As I walk by the beer, my mouth salivates…I’d give anything for a Corona with a salted glass and a squeeze of lime.  I settle for a fucking $10 spinach salad and $3 cup of chamomile. I sit at a dirty table in the corner because that’s what’s available.  I’ve never been a germaphobe, but spending everyday in Manhattan has heightened my tolerance for filth.  I’ve become numb to it.

The class I’m referring to is Landmark‘s Self Expression and Leadership program.  This is Landmark’s third installment of their controversial personal growth / break-through workshop.  The foundation for this program is essentially exploring the world while “living in possibility”.  This idea entranced me from day one and ultimately changed my life.

While I love the Landmark program, and I know I’ll gain a lot from it, part of me wonders why the hell I committed to a 4 month program when I already live everyday in possibility.

My homework is due at the same time that class starts, 7pm.  I’m assigned to write out my personal goals for my blog, hosting upcoming SobrieTea Parties, and launching a line of herbal teas. These are goals I’ve chosen for myself, but while I write them out, I realize that I much preferred the “one of these days” timeline instead.

As a goal coach, I’m great at helping others seek tangibility in their goals.  I see their potential before they can see it in themselves.  I get so excited for their possibility, pushing them to take a risk and go for it.  Writing out my own deadlines makes me feel anxious, exhausted, and itchy.  Like relationship or dietary advice, I’m much better at giving it than taking it.

Every time I do exercises like this, my self-destructive internal dialogue excitedly puts on his work out gear and gets ready for a run.  What’s my purpose? How long am I going to work for lululemon?  How long until I fully put myself into this blog and make it my whole life?  When will I begin to host SobrieTea Parties?  When will I start creating a line of herbal teas?  How much longer am I going to live on this runway while I encourage other people to fly?  When am I finally going to figure out what the hell I want to be when I grow up?!?  

This filthy table doesn’t bother me as much as the unfinished homework that’s mocking me. I don’t want to work on my homework.  I don’t want to go to class tonight.  I don’t want to live in the world of possibility.  I’m tired.  I want to go home, lay on the couch, watch Parks & Rec reruns, and eat chocolate.  It’s been twenty minutes since I sat down. Instead, I get up, collect my things, and go to class. Sans homework. Its just one of those days.


 

4 thoughts on “Break Stuff: The Angry Side of Sobriety

  1. J R

    6 degrees of separation at work–it’s how I subscribed to your blog in the first place. I am happy I did. You are an exceptional writer. And every time I read your work I come away with nuggets that stick with me. And for that I thank you. I admire you sharing your truth. It can’t be easy. Keep dreaming big. You’re a beautiful, talented soul.

  2. Amber Grady

    Keep going Tawny, I’m so unbelievably proud of you! It may not feel like it all the time but you’re doing it! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when…ESPECIALLY when you don’t feel like it. Try not to get too overwhelmed with too many tasks or questions in your head all at once…..one day at a time! I know it’s cliché but man, it’s true! 🙂

  3. damien

    I LOVE this sentence!

    Every time I do exercises like this, my self-destructive internal dialogue excitedly puts on his work out gear and gets ready for a run.

  4. Cecilia

    Reading these blogs makes me feel like I’m right there with you some times. I miss your crazy energy and the long talks we had when you were in Texas but don’t you dare start selling yourself short! You impact such a large scale of people already Tawn and your no where done with what you’ve started sister. You have tons of love and support all the way from Texas to New York!
    Keep kicking ass Xo.

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